Two Committed People
Find Enrichment in the Clearness Committee Process"
by Ted
Goertzel
Medford
Meeting
reprinted from Pastoral Care
Newsletter, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting of the Religious Society of
Friends, Vol 13, No 3 March 2006, p. 3.
My
fiancée, Linda, and I were apprehensive when we heard that we
would have to face
a "clearness committee" before we could be married in the Medford (NJ)
Friends Meeting. I am a member of the
Meeting and I knew about clearness committees from reading Faith
and Practice. I also
understood how Quakers have quaint and stuffy names for processes that
are
actually quite friendly and informal.
Linda's background is in Protestant churches where couples are
counseled
by a Minister. Facing a committee
sounded a bit like applying for a security clearance for a government
job or
fellowship.
We had
been living together for several years and owned our home jointly. We had not legally married because of the
substantial tax penalty for two mature adults in our situation, but we
had made
a strong commitment to each other. Now
Linda was retiring, so the penalty would be less and we felt we could
afford
the luxury of a formal marriage. Two
friends had just reached a similar decision after a living together for
a
"trial period" of twenty-five years.
They chose to be married in a court house and told their friends
about
it only after the ceremony.
But we
wanted more than that. We wanted a wedding ceremony with friends and
family. The Medford Friends Meeting
is
my community, it's where I belong and I felt a ceremony there would be
meaningful. Linda did not belong to a
church, so there was no conflict about where we should go.
I explained the process, as outlined in Faith and
Practice, and she agreed that
I should send a letter to get things started.
I
thought the clearness committee visit would go smoothly, and it did. The two couples and one man who came to our
home were people whom I had met, some of whom I knew well.
We were surprised that they began by telling
us about their own experiences and their relationship to the Society of
Friends. This broke the ice and helped us,
and
especially Linda as a newcomer, to feel welcomed. The
committee wanted to be certain that there
was more to our decision than tax and insurance considerations. They made sure that Linda understood the role
of the Meeting and was comfortable with it and they took the
opportunity to
encourage her to think about attending more often.
The
committee's care in assuring that we understood how a Quaker wedding is
conducted helped to make the wedding itself a great success. Many members of Linda's family traveled long
distances to be there and to attend a Friends meeting for the first
time. Discussing these things with the
committee
helped us to prepare them for the experience.
They became very much participants in the event, not just
spectators.
Looking
back on the experience, I feel that the committee's carefulness and the
whole
Quaker process helped me to think through the spiritual implications of
what we
were doing. It helped to make the
wedding a more enriching and fulfilling experience for both of us.